A Napkin Worth Saving

  A friend wrote about their first date awhile back and it got me thinking about my first date with Matt, and all the firsts after that. Matt and I were friends for quite some time before our first official date. We  hung  out along with other friends almost every weekend. We would talk for hours, sharing hopes and dream for the future, what we were looking for in a spouse, how many kids we wanted, as well as many deep spiritual conversations. Many people who knew us assumed that we were dating. Unfortunately we had a misunderstanding and went our separate ways for a good six months.

   I have to admit that I was not very mature about the whole separation. Naturally people were asking me why we weren't together because they assumed we were dating. I made it quite clear that Matt was very immature and I would never date him. I think the person I was trying to convince was really myself. I remember talking with my Dad and moaning and groaning that I was never going to get married. He would just keep saying " What about Matt? " Then would follow my rant about how I would never date him. My Dad just kept reminding me what a great guy he was.

  Time passed and we started talking again and realized that we really missed each other. Shortly after that we decided to officially date, and Matt sealed it by asking for my Dad's permission. We had our first date all planned out, and then someone in our church passed away. So our first date started out by us attending a funeral. It was so ironic to me, sitting there in the pew next to Matt all excited about our new beginning, while another dear lady said goodbye to her life mate. It's good that we were not the superstitious type. The rest of our date was lovely, and reaffirmed that we had made the right decision to make a go of it.

   Shortly after that Matt paid me a visit at work. He worked first shift and I worked second shift at the hospital. He showed up with roses and said that he just wanted to start things off right. It sure seemed right to me :) That night as I got into my car in the dark parking lot, I noticed something hanging from my visor. It was a note from Matt, all he could find to write on was a McDonalds napkin. At the bottom of the note were the words " I love you "  . I still have that napkin in a heart shaped tin along with other love notes from him, yes I'm sappy, I know.

A Friend Indeed!

    I will never forget Mothers Day of 2002. Technically it was my first Mothers Day, however it was not the joyful occasion that I had anticipated. March 21st had been our due date for our first baby, I had dreamt of celebrating my first mothers day with our baby in my arms. Instead, Anthony was born in November of 2001 at 22 weeks. 

    There were so many friends and family members that were there for us, comforting us as much as possible. One particular act really stands out to me. My friend Suzette from church informed me that she was taking a day off of work and was going to come spend the day with me. She brought lunch and just sat with me all day and let me talk things out. I told her that one of the things that I had really been looking forward to, was being able to stand up with all the moms at church on Mothers Day. Kind of a trivial thing in the grand scheme of things, but still something that really meant a lot to me. Every year our church acknowledges the Moms, it's not a grand production, but it's still really special. I had been bitten by the baby bug a couple years prior, so I had been waiting impatiently for my turn to stand up with the moms. I would have to wait again.

    Her firm response was that I was in fact a mother, and there was no reason why I couldn't stand up with the other moms. In fact, she would stand right next to me for support!

    So the months went by and the day finally arrived. God gave me a gift to help me get through the day, there was a new life growing inside me! I wore a corsage with two roses, one for Anthony and one for the new baby. And then it was time for the mothers to be acknowledged. Armed with my friends kind words, I was able to stand with the other moms. Tears in my eyes, but my head held high.

     This may seem like such a silly little thing to some. But after losing  Anthony I felt like such a failure. I had waited for what seemed like so long just to get pregnant, and then went through so much during the 5 months of pregnancy. So many hopes and dreams, not to mention all the items that had been lovingly purchased only to be put away after we lost him. So did this moment in time make all that go away? No, but it restored my dignity, and validated all the hard work that was put into trying to keep my baby safe.

   

  

Accepting that the answer is no...

   About 15 years ago Matt and I were introduced to a long lost relative, and their family. This meant so much to us. We visited together several times and seemed to get along great. Their whole family even attended our wedding. About 6 months later they had a health scare and needed surgery. We visited with them in the hospital, brought a nice gift and everything seemed to be fine.

    That year, shortly before Christmas, the relative showed up at our door. They were immediately invited in. They declined, and simply handed me a wrapped present. I was told it was a Christmas gift for us. I don't remember the rest of the short conversation, I just came away from it with the idea that we would not be seeing them anymore. I still was not quite sure what had just happened. I walked to the window and watched as they walked to the car. Shoulders were sagging, and feet were dragging. Everything I saw told me that it was not their idea, and this was the last thing they wanted to do. Our thought is that the spouse was not comfortable with us being in their lives, and put a stop to it. Although during our visits we didn't get any indication that they were uncomfortable with us being around.

    That was the last we saw of them. Matt made a few attempts over the phone, but was not given a warm reception. Obviously more than a decade has passed, we have gone through trials and triumphs, and at each juncture our thoughts include them. When our children were born, I sent baby announcements with the hope that we would get some response. Still nothing.

   They have really been on my mind lately, and I keep wishing that they would just magically walk back into our lives. They kept coming to mind today, and I found myself praying for them, and asking God to help me accept that for now the answer seems to be no. Someday I hope and pray that our children will be able to meet them, but for now I guess we just wait and hope...

   

" Justa one more kiss "

   This is currently our favorite quote from our soon to be four year old . As you can imagine, at this age he's doing so many cute things, which then inspires one to kiss his chubby little cheeks. So we ask for kisses, and wait for his reply. " Justa one more kiss " he says with a knowing smile. We find ourselves asking on purpose, but then never sticking to the one kiss limit, it's just not possible :) We played this little game just this evening.

    After putting him to bed, my thoughts turned to all the victims of the tragedy in Boston today, and the victims of recent school shootings. So many people that only got one final kiss from their loved one before they were gone in an instant. What they wouldn't give to get just one more.  I just can't imagine. So often I get upset over trivial things, while others are longing for just one more minute with a loved one. Life is so precious , yet so fleeting. May we be thankful for every moment that God gives us, and not sweat the small stuff.

Ok, here goes nothing. I keep telling myself that I need to start writing again, but keep putting it off. I was recently inspired by friends to try blogging about my thoughts. I normally would get all excited and determine to start sometime soon, but never actually get around to it. Enough with the procrastination already! Time to accomplish something. So come along for the ride, not promising anything earthshattering, but hopefully it will be theraputic, for at least one of us. ( please note, this girl is not tech. savy )